aromantically | ( OPEN ) Peter Q

"I know what you mean, the Ravagers were... a lot." Peter goes quiet to listen raptly to her, knowing it isn't easy for her to speak of Thanos. He isn't fond of mentioning him either himself so he can hardly blame her. He does roll his eyes at the mention of him gardening, and he's grateful for her admission because it keeps the rage boiling just under the surface at bay. "...Why would they die? Should we get some?"

Gamora shakes her head, effectively convincing herself to let the fantasy go. It's back to reality. "He kept the ships dark. Anything organic would struggle to survive-" She catches herself. Gamora is still making that mental jump she had to back in the previous timeline. It's almost as if she forgets she's free. Anything is possible now.

Gamora smiles softly as it finally sinks in she can do it. There's a rare innocence in her gaze as she regards Peter. "We shouldn't go now. It's late. But, tomorrow..." She allows herself just for a moment to get excited about something private and hers. "It'd be nice to care for something."

Peter finds himself smiling brightly over at her as she realizes she can do whatever she wants now. It's ridiculously adorable to him she thought he might spring up out of bed to get her trees in the middle of the night. He's tempted to just for that reason alone, but he nods in agreement to tomorrow.

"They sound beautiful. Plus Groot could use a friend." A dumb joke that isn't completely a joke. His hand drops to the sheet as he becomes visibly drowsy, like the exhaustion finally crashing into him after hours or even days of holding it together for everyone else. His fingers brush her arm as his eyes slowly lid, caught in a losing battle of fighting back sleep. He is stubborn enough to fight longer though, and he will if only to hear her voice a few moments longer.

"He does seem lonely at times," Gamora admits. The way her eyes linger over Peter makes it clear she doesn't think he's the only one. Even that brief touch sends sparks across her nervous system. What does that make her? Gamora rather focuses on Peter than dig into that particular mess.

"You should get some rest. I'll stay until you fall asleep."

"It's hard to lose your mom in your formative years..." He doesn't mean to say it, but he also doesn't want to take it back. Peter shuts his eyes though he's nowhere near as drifty as he was even a second ago, taking Gamora's offer at face value. It's easy to trust her this way even if it shouldn't necessarily be. Peter does think they're past the point where she'd stab him for upsetting her. Probably. "Not like I've been much of a dad to him lately either." He's mostly in survival mode, which he knows hurts his little family even if they'd never admit it to his face.

It's a stab in the heart to hear that. She knows objectively it's true. Even if she recalled everything tomorrow, she could never be the woman who raised him. Gamora is something else now. The injustice of it burns her up inside. She doesn't want to die or disappear. Gamora wishes for Groot's sake if nothing else that it had all turned out differently.

Her hand seeks his arm as he takes a dig at himself. She argues gently but, firmly. "You've done the best you can. Someone you loved was murdered. His mother was murdered. What message would that send to him if that wasn't affecting your actions every day?" She carefully disassociates herself from the equation.

Gamora gives her argument a moment to breathe before adding. "He is lonely, but he is also kind and honorable. Take comfort in that. His loss will ease with time. Whatever shortcomings you may have had during this will be forgiven."

He inhales as his eyes blink open again, as if he were coming out of the water when she touches him. Maybe, in a way, she is saving him from drowning.

"He was those things before... I can't take much of the credit." Both because he feels Gamora instilled more of those values into him as a seedling, and because adult Groot had been the bravest soldier he'd ever known before his whole Benjamin Button situation. Peter is finally forced to breathe out through his nose and his hand shifts until he can lay his fingers across the pulse of her wrist. "I still need to find a way to be stronger - for them. She would have."

It's easy to say when he isn't the one who died. They'll never know how Gamora would've reacted to such a thing... probably rampaged across the galaxy. It only makes his wallowing sadder in contrast to his own depressive mind.

"Sorry. We... I shouldn't talk about her like this with you." Although it's becoming increasingly obvious Peter has no one else to talk to about his grief. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you, too."

Gamora falls into silence. It is in a way unfair she has to be the one to bear his grief. She would have to be blind to miss the way no one else seems capable of it. Drax and Mantis view her as the same woman without her memories. They don't even seem to comprehend that Gamora died. Rocket is quiet on the subject though has tellingly offered upgrades and tech she suspects may have prevented his friend's death. Groot is forever longing for his mother and is overly invested in making this new relationship work. Nebula blames herself for what happened to her Gamora. Any grief Peter expresses only adds to that pain.

There is only her. She thinks she owes it to the woman she once was to take this on. More importantly, she wants to do it as his friend now. They are friends. Gamora is positive about that.

She exhales audibly. "Peter, the only way you could hurt me is by hating me for not being her or trying to change me to suit you. You have already proven to me that you accept me as I am." That isn't a small thing in her eyes.

"The dead are always the best versions of themselves in our eyes. None of us will ever measure up to your Gamora. Even she couldn't hope to compare to her and that's to be expected. It is how I see all the ones I have lost." The father and mother that exist in her mind are far from their real counterparts. "Would she have wanted you to tear yourself down to raise her up?"

At first, he assumes he has hurt her and he stays uncharacteristically quiet himself, listening to her breathe and taking what comfort he can by feeling her pulse in his hand. Hate causes his hand to reflexively close around her wrist as if he could take it all back just by holding onto her. His grip almost instantly loosens when she goes on however; realizing that she understands where he's coming from.

"I could never hate you," he gets out in a rush, even though he knows that wasn't what she was accusing him of. He just wants that to be crystal clear in any context. Peter sighs, slowly letting his hand drag across her skin before occupying its own space by his pillow to give her some space. Feeling cowed, he admits: "No," in a small voice. Gamora always hated when he cut himself down, but it's a hard spiral to break without his partner here to snap him out of it. "So what should I do?"

His eyes glisten with hope like she can somehow tell him how to best honor her alter's memory without constantly stepping into what feels like a trapdoor.

Gamora allows him to find some comfort in her. It's a little bit of torture to wonder if he's imagining or reliving how she felt. It's a small pain to go through to help Peter. It finally feels like they're getting somewhere with a very complicated situation. The pain is worth it to know he doesn't hate her. She does wonder at times. How could she not? She is essentially a Gamora without bravery. She never escaped Thanos or stood up for Nebula. She didn't open herself up to love much less share a child with a man. In every way, Gamora knows she falls short.

That hopeful look nearly breaks her heart. Gamora doesn't shrink back from it. She actually does know what he needs to do. "Find a way to let her go." It sounds self-serving even to her ears. Gamora knows she needs to explain.

She takes her wrist back to hold gently as if his touch has left a mark on her that only she can see. "One thing I know about the woman you loved is that she fought to be free. Right now the man she loves isn't. You're a slave to your grief, Peter Quill. It controls every part of your life. If not for yourself, do it for her." She can't imagine her counterpart will ever know peace like this. Gamora knows better than to actually say the words.

His eyes slowly fill with water though he doesn't dare let any tear fall even as he hugs the pillow to himself as he listens intently. His heart is pounding fast, but it's starting to sink in that she's right. He can't go on like this and no one else can around him either.

"What if I don't know how?" he asks with a hoarse crackle in his voice. This ship echoes Gamora down every hall to say nothing of the woman laying in his bed right now. "I know I have to, I know you're right... she would hate to see me this." Peter's eyes cast downward as he tries to force the tears back in. "Sorry... again, sorry. You don't deserve to have this put on you."

Her heart completely breaks at the question and unshed tears. Gamora imagines she doesn't help with that. Neither of them seems to be in a rush to get rid of her. They'll have to live with the consequences of that together. "You'll learn." She reassures him. Gamora really thinks he can.

A dark chuckle escapes her at that word. Deserve. "This isn't about what we deserve, Peter." Her hands ball into fists as she allows herself to be angry for his sake as much as that woman she'll never be. "She did everything I never had the courage to do. She escaped on her own. She protected her sister from him. She allowed herself to love again and build a new family. The universe responded by allowing her to be stolen again, killed, and replaced by someone else."

Gamora hates it. She truly does want to exist. She is all too aware of how unfair it is that it's her instead of the original Gamora. "You're kind to try to spare my feelings, but it isn't necessary. I would have gone mad in your position from the injustice alone. If the worst you do is talk to me about it, you're a better man than this universe deserves."

He wants to ask her why she's confident about that, but he never gets the chance as she goes off on a spectacular rant. Peter wants to feel bad about enjoying it, but it is cathartic hearing her out this time... his Gamora was all of those things and more, but she started out much like the woman in front of him. Closed off, terrified, Stockholm syndrome'd.

"Thought it wasn't about 'deserve,'" he points out cheekily, scooting himself in a little closer to her. "I can be happy you're here and sad she's gone at the same time, you know. Emotions are complex and funny that way."

Gamora shifts to properly face him as they talk. It's intimate in a way that she doesn't know all too well yet. She rolls her eyes at his response. He has her there.

"Funnier than you." She fires back dryly. Gamora lapses into silence as she considers how to convey what she's truly thinking. "I am sorry for your loss. I don't want you to face it alone." She gestures at the empty space between them. "Clearly."

Peter can't help but smile at the comeback, but it's a soft smile with hazy edges this time. Though he's definitely not in a rush to sleep, the in-and-out on the precipice of sleep is always so pleasant; her being here only elevates the experience.

"Then don't leave," he suggests, knowing it's too fast but unable to take it back now. Not that he would even if he felt capable of it. "Just for tonight."

It is too fast. Gamora may have been willing to kiss him earlier, but sharing a space together is far more intimidating. She knows logically Peter will sooner harm himself than her. She is safe with him. It's another to let her guard down long enough to sleep.

Her heart twists painfully at the thought of leaving him alone when he's this vulnerable. That fear of being close to anyone is outweighed by her empathy for this strange man. She can't agree until he knows exactly what could happen.

"I don't sleep well. If I do manage it, there's a chance I may harm you." It's as close as she can get to admitting freedom didn't automatically undo decades of damage.

At first, he's worried he's messed things up permanently, watching those red eyes weigh options. Her warning is a familiar one, and that sends an ice-cold dagger through the center of his chest, but his smile never wavers despite the sadness in his eyes. Then again, that's been a constant since he lost her. Maybe it will never change, maybe he doesn't want it to.

"Don't worry. Medbay's just down the hall," he reminds her, sliding in even closer until his minty breath washes across her face. The truth is she can't hurt him more than he's already hurt, but somehow her presence makes it sweeter. He reaches for her arm with his free hand, walking his fingers across her skin until his hot hand coils around hers and holds on for dear life. "Already told you there ain't nothing you can do to make me turn on you, Gamora. That's what family means - it's an unbreakable bond."

The minty scent is pleasant and soothing. It's a sharp contrast to the way her heart picks up as he moves in closer. She's more hyperaware of him than usual. Gamora can't blame her implants for it. There's something about Peter specifically that draws her in. His touch sparks an (uncomfortable) fire within her. She glances down at their combined hands, choosing to direct her words at them rather than Peter. It's hard to be vulnerable for anyone, but, especially for the former assassin. It feels impossible and yet for him, she does it without thinking it through.

"Family has only ever brought me suffering." False and real alike. Maybe that's too harsh. She's building something good with Nebula these days. At the moment she can only see where it's gone wrong. "I don't want to hurt you or worse because I allowed myself to give in." She knows she could kill him. It'd only take one second. That's one nightmare she doesn't think she could work past.

He frowns at that statement, but realizes before he met her - well, the first Gamora - he would've said the same thing. Now he has a sister, he found out he had a father all along who loved him. He has the Ravagers and the Guardians and now even two displaced sisters of Thanos under the broad wings of his Milano. It's frustrating every time he lets it sink in that she's behind his clock. He wants to be the man he was then for her, but he's who he is now instead. Peter knows now that she feels the same in the opposite direction, and it isn't really any sort of consolation, is it?

"I don't think you'll hurt me." She never has even when he deserved it. In the midst of a nightmare... she's still an extremely precise killing machine. It shouldn't be a comfort, but that doesn't matter now. It's his turn to be her soft landing. "Just trust me to trust you, alright? Tomorrow you can go back to bein' worried."

Trust me to trust you. It doesn't even make any logical sense. How does his trust mean anything if it's totally misplaced? Peter is her harbor in a terrible storm. Ridiculous or not, he says trust me and she does. She certainly trusts him more than herself.

Her eyes seek his. Peter looks so sad. He's always sad, it seems. They're beautiful too. For a moment, Gamora allows herself to get lost in them. She clears her throat a few awkward seconds later. "I do trust you." She admits as her gaze returns to those hands like they're the most interesting thing in the world. "Will you keep holding my hand?" It makes her feel secure in a way she thinks might allow this night to be peaceful. It can't hurt in any case.

Latching onto her gaze has always been second nature to him, and he finds himself addicted to the pull of it this time. She's seeking eye contact more and more, which seems like it could be a good sign. Peter blows out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding onto when she finally looks down, throat catching all over again at the way she declares that so easily. Peter knows how precious her trust is and he vows to himself in that moment never to break it, not this time. His fingers lace through hers and he holds fast at the request, taking it seriously even if to someone else it might seem insignificant. He knows it's like a lifeline for them both right now.

The lights start to dim around them, taking a queue from how still they are, but Peter feels further than ever from sleep. "I won't let go if you don't."

It settles something within her to be linked this way. Whatever comes next they can face together so long as they are hand in hand. Her life has so much uncertainty between the emerging memories and lack of goal. As terrible as it was, Thanos provided an endpoint for her. She doesn't know what to do without the awful structure he provided.

It does get more manageable by the day. Moments like this cement why. "I'm not letting go." Another vow. She has so many tonight. "How do you usually fall asleep?" The darkening room seems as much of a hint as any to get some actual rest.

His smile slowly creeps back over his face, the exhaustion tinged with mirth seemingly swallowing up the grief for the moment being. "Uh... listening to my music was always the go-to. Lately, I've been reading too, it helps to hear someone else's words in my head for a while." So he can't drive himself insane with his own and with the endless loop of memories inside his head. Meredith, Yondu and Gamora are somehow always still behind his eyelids when he does get there no matter how he accomplished the seemingly insurmountable task.

Gamora ponders the information. Much to her frustration, she has nothing. There's no way she can think of to help Peter which irrationally upsets her. "Any story I could tell you would be horrific." She admits in frustration. "What would you like me to do?" She's here to help. Gamora just has no clue how.

He can hear the stress in her voice and his thumb soothingly strokes her palm. "Hey, I don't need you to do anything for me. It's just enough that you're here." This is already way further than he thought they would get, after all. And her voice is a balm to his ears even if it still occasionally confuses him. "But for the record, bedtime stories don't have to be true. I'm pretty sure most of them aren't - if for some reason, you wanted to make something up..."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

UGH THAT ICON IS SO CUTE

one of my faves. i don't use it enough!!

Re: one of my faves. i don't use it enough!!

no subject

no subject